Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Randomize
