i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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