matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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