i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
