I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
