Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
