Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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