Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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