WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
