how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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