Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
