This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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