Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
