so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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