Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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