Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
