I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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