why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I got a message the other day that just said “great titsâ€
A gentleman AND a scholar
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