I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
