he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
