I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
