I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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