No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize