I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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