If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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