all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
