I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
