What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
