Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
