Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
