Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
