When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
