You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
