why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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