I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
