life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
