You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
