I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
