every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
