It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
