PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it because I queefed?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
