I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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