this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
