dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
