Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
