bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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