Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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