If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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