I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
