you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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