end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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