video games are the ultimate cock blocker
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
