when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
