There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
