its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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