I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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