the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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