College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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