I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
