i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
