My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize