I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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